Pics from Yesterday

Here are some pics of dad from yesterday.  He is very lethargic and weak he says.  You can see it in his face.

 

Dad and my brother Michael.

 

Noah just woke up from his nap.

How to Heal the Heart

I had a very difficult day today.  Today I talked with my dad about things that were extremely painful for me to hear.  I see changes in my dad that break my heart.  Tonight I cried my eyes out to Gary and my pain flooded out.  There are times when I don’t think I can handle the pain of watching this horrible cancer take over my dad, and then I realize how blessed I am to be able to be here to love him, hug him, and hold his hand.  Tonight my sadness overwhelmes me.   I know for a fact that I could not handle this without God in my life, and my husband by my side.  Tonight as I sit here feeling overwhelmed by despair and sadness I decided to find some quotes to turn to.  I found some great words of wisdom…..

 

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” – Bernice Johnson Reagon

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand

 

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage."  Martin Luther~

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” – W. M. Lewis

 

"Death is always a surprise, even when it is expected, and it is a painful reminder that we don’t have forever to show those we love how much we really care about them. Don’t put it off till its too late. Tomorrow is too long to wait." -Vitki

 

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.  ~Author Unknown

 

Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there.  ~Author Unknown

 

The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

 

It’s not the years in your life that count.  It’s the life in your years.  ~Abraham Lincoln

 

Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts – it’s what you do with what you have left.  ~Hubert Humphrey

 

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  ~Robert Brault

 

Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith.  ~Author Unknown

 

MY FAVORITE QUOTE IS THIS:

 

Every evening I turn my worries over to God.  He’s going to be up all night anyway.  ~Mary C. Crowley

 

Emotional Day

First, let’s start with good news.  We could all use a good dose of that, right?  Dad has had NO headaches today, and was able to get for a little walk.  He is eating decent, not too much, but enough to make us happy.   He is showering and doing all of those hygiene "chores" himself.  He is starting to try to make himself food.  This morning he did toaster waffles himself!  GO DAD!

 

Today has been a very emotional day for dad.  I got here this morning around the normal time and found him to be a bit sad.  I asked him how he was doing and he said that he had a tough morning but that he was doing better now.  He didn’t elaborate too much, so I didn’t push him.  He did tell me he spilled something that was on the counter while trying to get a cup of coffee.  I think he gets very distressed and frustrated when he can’t do things on his own.  Simple things like getting a cup of coffee have become difficult for him and I can tell he’s mourning his independence as he used to know it.  Erica and I do the best we can to let him do things on his own, but we don’t want to push him too much.  It’s very much like raising a child and helping them to gain self confidence. 

 

He has been a bit irritated today at little things, and I think this is going to be the new normal.  I was told by one of his nurses that the placement of the tumor in the front of his brain will continue to effect his inhibitions and mood.  We just have to learn to deal with his mood changes the best we can.

 

He had a very emotional morning with me.  He wanted to go through his "red book"  This is a special book he has been keeping for us kids, it has lots of details in it about what we should do after his death.  He wanted to go through it with me this morning and it was very difficult for both of us.  I try and keep a level head and not get too emotional, but it’s hard when I see him cry.  My dad is not the crying type, and seeing him so emotional these days is very difficult and painful for me.  I wanted to just let him talk and tell me what he wanted me to know.  He proceeded to tell me he wanted to be creamated, no service at all.  I told him I understood.  As I watched his lip quiver and the tears come out of his sweet eyes, my heart broke.  I said "dad, we don’t need to talk about this right now, look how well your doing!".  He said "yes we do".  Which makes me think….does he know more than we do at this point?  I was told by our social worker that people know when they are dying.  Does dad feel something happening to his body?  It scares me.  I let him talk, and told him I understood his wishes and that we would do exactly what he wants.  We went over some financial stuff and some other issues….then we concluded the conversation. 

 

It seems to me with each day that passes that he is getting more and more emotional.  I know this is normal as one deals with this type of illness, but I have to wonder if he feels and knows more than we see on the outside.  You know what I mean?  Is he preparing us because he feel like death is coming sooner than later?  I don’t know.  We can only pray and wait.  It’s a hard time to be patient right now.  We all just want some definite answers, some definite time frames, something definite to hold onto…..but as we’ve found, there are no definites with cancer.  So, I pray for patience and strength and more time with my sweet dad.

 

 

Zoo Day

Today Noah and my mom and I visited the Reid Park Zoo.  It was a beautiful day and the perfect weather for a zoo visit.  Noah loved seeing the giraffe’s (we don’t have these at our Columbus Zoo), and he had a fun time watching the otters.  I think his favorite part of the day though was lunch!  He got his lunch in a animal lunchbox, he was so excited to get it open and see what was inside!  After we finished at the zoo Noah and I went home and had a much needed nap.  We are both sick with colds…..so it’s been a difficult couple days.

 

After nap we headed over to dad’s.  He had a good day.  The only major effect the cancer seems to be having on him right now is fatique and weakness.  I don’t know if these are a function of minimal food intake and lack of exercise, or directly from the cancer.  His eyes always look heavy to me and he seems less willing these days to get up and go for walks.  I try and make him get up at least once to get outside and walk, and everytime I take Noah to the park I try and get my dad to come along just to get some fresh air.  I am going to try again today to get dad out for a little bit.  I’m sure he’s anxious to get his radiation started Monday.  We are all anxious too.

 

Zoo Day with Grammie!

 

Watching the otters and the polar bear.

 

Noah found some fun things to climb on!  Then we visited the indoor science area just for little ones.  The tractor ride wasn’t working, so mom went behind and shook it….Noah thought the "ride" was really fun!

 

Lunch time!

 

When we got to dad’s in the afternoon, Bobbi was over for her daily visit!  We love you Bobbi!!

 

Great pics of Erica and dad

First Oncology Appointment

Today’s first Oncology appointment has been highly anticipated by all of us, especially dad.  Radiation is our biggest light of hope right now and we have been anxious to see what the doctor would tell us.  Our biggest question was whether the radiation would be worth it or not (as far as side effects go).  The news we got today was optimistic and hopeful.  Erica and I were encouraged….and my dad seemed very hopeful and relieved after this appointment.

 

Dr. Croghan, dad’s oncologist, is wonderful.  She explained things clearly and seemed optimistic about the treatment.  She first did a CT scan to see how things are going in the brain since dad’s last scan (done while he was in the hospital a couple weeks ago).  She said she was "encouraged" and "pleased" with the "big tumor" (the one he had removed originally).  She said it has not grown a lot and that the blood is being reabsorbed.  This is why dad hasn’t had any headaches lately.  Apparently swelling is dad’s biggest enemy right now, and he hasn’t had any swelling issues in the past week or so, thus no headaches.  She did see 2 spots on his brain in other areas that have grown.  One is in the frontal area and the other is in the back.  They have grown since the last scan and she said they have swelling around them.  She said they are about dime size right now.  She told us now is the right time to start radiation, and hopefully the growing tumors can be "stalled".  She described the radiation treatment as a "stalling tactic" and not a cure.  Dad understands this.  She said that every person and every cancer reacts differently to radiation, so she can’t tell us what she thinks will happen, we just have to wait. 

 

Dad will have 2.5 weeks of radiation, with the first apptointment being next Monday morning.  He will go Monday thru Friday for about 15 minutes to get his treatment.  He had his mask fitted today, this will hold his head perfectly still while the treatment is happening.  A few weeks after radiation stops, they will take another CT scan to see how the cancer is reacting.  Our hope is that it will shrink and slow the growth.  Again, we have to wait.  It’s all a good lesson in patience.

 

We were given a lot of information today at the doc’s office to take home and read.  I have read a little and wanted to tell you all what the side effects are of radiation.  Dad was informed of all of these today.  He will be having whole brain radiation, so good tissue can be damaged along with cancerous tissue.  The percentage is small (<5%) of this happening.  The ACUTE symptoms (symptoms during actual therapy) are fatigue, hair loss, scalp irritation, redness, and stuffiness of ears.  The LONG TERM symtoms (may occur after treatment stops) are fatigue, hair loss, ear stuffiness, effects on memory, thinking confusion, damage to normal brain tissue.  Dad knows about these, but we will continue to remind him daily so he’s not scared when things start happening.   We are all in agreement that the positive possibilities of the radiation outweigh the possible side effects.

 

Overall dad had a good day today.  Erica got him over to the credit union to get some stuff done, that always makes him feel better.  He was eating well and got out for a walk.  He didn’t seem as tired, although I have noticed that when I talk to him his eyes always seem to look very heavy.  He told Erica and I several times today that he loves us and really appreciates all we are doing.    I remind him that we really appreciate a whole LIFETIME of care he gave us!  He tried to make coffee today and couldn’t figure out how to make it.  Erica has showed him a few times but he forgets.  Those types of things really upset him, so Erica and I try and make things as accesible and easy for him to that he can maintain a sense of independence and avoid frustration.

 

I told dad that I am taking Noah to the zoo tomorrow morning and he was so excited that I was getting Noah out for a fun morning.  I told him maybe next time we go he can come along and he seemed interested.  This time with dad is so full of emotional ups and downs and I have to admit I have a lot of guilt about taking Noah to the zoo tomorrow, knowing that I won’t be at dad’s until late afternoon…..but I also have excitement as a mommy to get Noah out for a fun day just for him.  I told dad I would call him in the morning to remind him of where we are (he forgets things very easily) so he won’t worry.  We will head to dad’s later in the afternoon to get him some dinner and visit with Erica, the kids, and grandpa. 

 

Here we are headed out for the first radiation apptointment

After we got to grandpa’s this afternoon, Noah and Grandpa shared their daily shake!  It’s funny because I always ask dad what flavor shake he wants me to make him, so now when Noah wants a shake he says "mommy, I want a flavor!"

Snuggles and kisses for Grandpa!

Dad out for his daily walk.  It was actually grey and rainy here today in AZ!  I loved it!!

Noah didn’t care that it was rainy and cold…..he still wanted to dig dig dig

This morning my brother had 2 more photo’s in the Arizona Daily Star Newspaper!  We are so proud of him.  Dad loves looking in the paper and seeing Michael’s pictures!  We are so proud of you Michael!

Just “so weak”

Dad’s main statement these days is that he "just feels so weak".  You can definitely tell that he’s worn out alot of the time during the day.  He always looks tired out to me, in fact, I ask him several times during the day if he’s feeling okay because he looks so tired out to me.  He always says that he feels fine, just weak.  It is very important to him to get up and walk during the day.  He says he doesn’t want him muscles to get weak so he pushes himself to get up and do things.  He went out for a little walk today, and went to the park with the kids and I.  It just makes me so sad to see him so worn out.  While at the park today he just seems zoned out and doesn’t even have the energy to engage with the kids.  He sat outside and watched the kids for a little bit, but retreated back to the car to wait for us.

 

The great news is that he isn’t having any headaches.  He hasn’t had any for quite some time now, and I know that really makes him happy.  He had a visit from Steve, Jim, and Bobbi today.  He really enjoys seeing his friends, but it really wears him out.  After they all left he took a long nap on the couch. 

 

He has been eating well.  He does say that he’s trying to keep "nutrition in him".  He is loving ice cream everyday!  That is his food of choice several times a day. 

 

The hardest thing to watch right now is his forgetfulness.  Several times a day he loses his cell phone and I end up looking for it only to find it in his pant pocket, or where ever else he left it.  He gets very annoyed at himself when this happens and I just try and reasure him that it’s no big deal.  He asks the same questions all day long.  He just can’t seem to recall details that you tell him especially when it comes to time, directions, schedules, or numbers.   He must have asked me thrity times today what time his radiation appt. is tomorrow, and you can see him really have to stop and think about it to understand where we are going.

 

I am so thankful to my mom for coming over tomorrow to play with Noah so that Erica and I can pay full attention at dad’s important doc appt tomorrow.  Our main goal is to make sure that dad knows the whole story about what the radiation can and can not do for him.  We also want him to know all the side effects that radiation might have on him so that he can make an informed decision to go forward or not.  As far as I can tell he will have his head fitted with a mask tomorrow, and they will do the mapping for the radiation.  Then, we will have the Oncologist consult. 

 

I caught a cookie monster this morning in the kitchen!

 

A friend of dad’s (we love you!) brought us all Eegee’s for lunch!  YUMMO!

 

Dad took a little afternoon walk.  I took a picture of the front of his house…..he has such a wonderful house and yard!  He has done so much work!  All the black iron you see dad welded himself by hand!  He also built the entire pation enclosure!

 

Getting ready for the park!  you can see dad falling asleep at the park.  That breaks my heart, on the other hand, I am so thankful he is able to get out with us!

Park, Ice Cream, and a Happy Grandpa

After a busy morning of nurse visits, and friend visits, dad got a good nap break while Noah was napping.  He definitely had a better day today.  We love the "good" days!

 

Dad’s nurse and social worker visited this morning for a check-up.  They talked about pulling dad out of hospice care right now.  They told dad, and Erica and I agree, that he is doing well enough to not need that type of care at this time, plus it’s really expensive and dad’s insurance only covers a certain amount.  So, we are most likely going to stop hospice right now until we REALLY need it.  Apparently it is easy to sign dad out and into the hospice system at this point.  It scares Erica and I to take him off hospice care because we have a sense of peace knowing we have that safety net.  The plan right now is to wait until after dad’s first Cncology appointment Thursday to decide for sure.  Erica and I will both be going to meet with the Oncologist for the first radiation treatment appt, and we hope to get a better idea of what the radiation can realistically do and what it can’t do.  Right now dad is up for starting radiation, but the problem is that he doesn’t remember what he was told as far as the cancer being everywhere, and only having 8-12 weeks left.  I hope after the appointment Thursday he will have a more complete picture so he can make a more informed decision whether to go ahead with radiation or not.

 

On a different subject…..I got Noah out this afternoon for some park time.  It was a beautiful 72 degrees today….in Winter!  Crazy. 

Noah takes after his daddy and loves basketball!  Look at that form!

The gorgeous view from the park!

Noah beating me down the slide!

After the park we got grandpa some ice cream (that is his food of choice right now) and boy oh boy was he happy to get that ice cream! 

Noah ate dinner at grandpa’s house, then we had some playtime with Erica’s kiddos.  It was a very nice day!!  I took a picture of the sunset on our way back to the rental. 

“Ouchie Froat Mommie”

Those were Noah’s first words to me this morning upon waking up.  Poor baby.  He has a bad cold and his couging and hacking, throwing up, and now has a "ouchie froat".  He was, however, excited about going to grandpa’s this morning.  We stopped on our way and got some cough syrup and popcicles for my little guy to have at Grandpa’s.

 

 

Here’s dad this morning.  He was much less irritated and seemed to be feeling better.  He has still been tired today, but not as bad as yesterday.  He was up for a visit from Bobbi.  He always loves when she and Jim visit.

 

Here I come Grandpa!

 

Noah felt a bit better after his popcycle and went outside to dig!

 

Look at my cool little man!

 

 

 

 

Hard Day for Dad

Today was a really hard day for dad.  Although we did get to make a trip out to the golf course, he still didn’t have a good day.  He had a hard time keeping his eyes open most of the day.  He was very irritated and sometimes angry for no apparent reason.  He even elbowed me out of the way today at one point when I was trying to help him.  He had moments of "normalness" but they were far and few between.  He napped most of the day and kept commenting on how tired and "wiped out" he felt.  He looked really sick today to both my sister and I (and my mom even mentioned this after she saw the pics from today).  He was very pale and just looked uncomfortable.  As far as Erica and I can tell he isn’t in pain.  I kept asking him if he had a headache and he said no time and time again.

 

After Noah woke up from his nap I told dad I was going to take Noah to the park for a short time.  He wanted to go with us.  We got to the park and there was a little walk from the car to the playground.  Dad got out of the car and then said "I’m too weak, I can’t walk that far."  He wanted to wait in the car and told me to take Noah.  Dad reclined the seat back and slept while I played with Noah.  It broke my heart.  I hate seeing him this way.  The reality of what’s happening slaps me in the face sometimes.  Once we got home he sat back down on the couch and fell asleep again.  Noah is really sick with a cold, so we headed out early this evening and dad didn’t even give me a hug goodbye, he was just too tired. 

 

Noah was excited about the playground.  He kept asking "where is grandpa?"

 

 

This is all dad could do at the playground today….he waved at us as we came back from playing.

 

I love this picture of Erica and dad.  They are looking at the beautiful pond my dad made BY HAND all by himself (he even picked each rock by hand from a wash here in town)!  The water comes out of the rocks and goes into the pond.  It’s beautiful.  My sister and brother have been busy getting the pond and waterfall up and working, and Erica has been planting flowers.  Dad came out to see what she’s been doing.

Golf Course Visit

This morning dad was up for going out to the golf course and visiting his friends.  Erica, Noah, Dad and I headed out (the drive is about 30 minutes).  Dad has been very irritable this morning and very tired out.  He has been eating well though.  A lot of times he just seems to be frustrated and annoyed at the things he can’t do anymore.  It breaks my heart to watch him in the kitchen.  His good friend Jim brought us lunch this afternoon.  Dad wanted to serve himself and I watched as he scooped up food and missed the plate.  Then he would clean it up off the counter and get frustrated.  Sometimes he will completely miss his food when he’s using a fork and he gets so upset.  It’s hard to watch.

 

He did have a nice visit with his friends at the golf course.  It was a beautiful day and he enjoyed the sunshine.  He slept on the drive home, the visit really wore him out.  Noah enjoyed playing with a golf ball on the putting green while dad visited.

 

Dad getting a haircut this morning (yep, my sister cuts his hair!) before we went for our golf course visit.

 

Noah and Grandpa conversing this morning.

 

Golf course visit.

 

Noah had fun on the putting green!