Dear Dad…..

It’s been 7 months since my life changed.  7 months since I watched my dad slip out of our arms into Jesus’ arms. 7 months since I hugged my dad.  It feels like an eternity since I’ve heard dad on the other end of the phone asking me about the weather here in Ohio.  I can’t tell you how much I miss hearing his voice on the phone.  There are days that my heart aches so much that I feel like I’m suffocating in sadness.  I still am having a horrible time sleeping.  I have a lot of bad dreams, a lot of flash backs to dad’s last night, and a lot of pain that seems to bubble up at night when it’s quiet and I have to be still.   I told my doctor about this and she calls is "shattered mind syndrome" and said it’s common for people that have experienced traumatic events, as we did watching dad die.  Thankfully, my doctor isn’t a fan of prescriptions for sleep probelms, rather, she has me taking some vitamins to help.  We’ll see how it goes in the next few weeks.  This morning I was up at 3AM unable to sleep……hopefully it will get better.

 

It seems that every few months my mind gets so busy with all I want to tell my dad that I need to let it all out…..so this post is my therapy!  A letter to my dad…..

 

Hi dad!

 

I sure do miss you!  As much as I used to tease you, I really miss hearing you talk about how much better your weather is than ours!  I miss you asking me about our Ohio weather, and teasing me that winter is coming soon.  I had a voice mail from you and planned on saving it to listen to forever….but somehow it was erased and I’ve been so sad to not have a reminder of your voice.  Sometimes I can just look at your pictures and hear you.  That’s been comforting.  I still can’t believe your gone.  I wonder if I will ever get "used" to the idea that your gone.  Probably not.

 

I have a lot of reminders of you around the house.  I have a great picture of you on our mantle.  It was the day you were feeling so good and wanted to take a trip out to the golf course.  That was such a good day for you.  I have your beloved Union Pacific jacket upstairs in the closet and everytime I go up there I "visit" it.  I don’t know why your jacket holds such power…but it makes me very emotional every time I see it.  I got it out the other day and checked the pockets just one more time.  I found a candy wrapper that made me smile.  One of those caramel hard candies you loved.  I put the wrapper back in your pocket.  I held your jacket close to my face and I can still smell you.  I cried.  I miss your hugs.  So, I wrapped the jacket arms around me and hugged your jacket.  Silly, I know.  I can hear you laughing at me.   I have your hard hat from the railroad in the garage right by the door to the house.  Noah always wants to wear it!  He loves that hat. 

 

I have kept my promise to you and have been taking good care of myself.  I have lost 56 lbs so far with about 10 to go.  Last week my doc took me off my blood pressure meds!  WOOHOO!!  I have gotten back into running and have done four 5K races.  I am training right now for a half marathon in October!  You will be coming along with me…..I can hear you saying "oh no I won’t"!  I made a dad button with your picture and will wear it for the race.  I always have you with me in all my races.  We will be crossing the 13.1 mile finish line together!!  I know your proud of me.  So often I can hear you in my mind saying…"good job kid".  Oh my goodness, I miss you calling me kid.

 

Noah’s getting so big!  He started preschool a couple weeks ago and loves it!  He is such a big boy now and is basically potty trained!  If you were still here I would have sent you some very funny pictures of the potty training process!  It’s been a learning experience for all of us.  I also would be sending you some wonderful family pictures we had taken, as well as some of Noah’s art work. 

 

Each night we pray with Noah and ask that Jesus will give you a big hug for us and let you know how much we miss you.  I hope your getting those hugs.  I also pray several times during the week that Jesus will allow you to look down and see all that we’ve been able to do with the money you left us.  I know that you would just love the yard and patio.  I know how hard you worked for that money dad, and we have used it with good judgement (I know you approve of the 60 inch TV purchase!) and have done things that you suggested last time you visited.  I wish so badly that you were coming to visit again this fall.

 

I miss you so much and think about you all the time.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.  I know your the angel on my shoulder that watches me each day.  Although your gone, your voice is still strong and is always pushing me to do better, be better, and work harder.  I love you so much and pray that your days in heaven are filled with all the things and people that you love!

 

Until we talk again,

Aubre